I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
