I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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