DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
