my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
