The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
