i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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