I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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