Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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