i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
babies were throwing up all over the place
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize