if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
