My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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