she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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