I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
