On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
