i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
