Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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