Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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