I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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