i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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