I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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