Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
