maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
