You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
