i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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