Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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