im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
