I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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