Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
