I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
