so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
