remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
im holly from the hills drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
