my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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