just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
