How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
