my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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