There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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