She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
