apparently the secret to your success is patron
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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