You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
