You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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