Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
