she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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