Are we in a gay sports bar?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
