She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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