I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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