i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
