I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
