I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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