Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He better not be in your backpack
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
