and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
