Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
