he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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