bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
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