Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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