when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
