I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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