forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
