Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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