my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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