I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
