He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
